My very existence thrives off of those very words. People often admire me for the courage I have to do the things that i have done. I Dont view it as courage...to me it's blind faith walking out the path that was laid for me...Gods word says that he will give you the desires of your heart and yet we actually think that we came up with our desires. There is so much untapped potential sitting between our ears. It doesn't take a spiritual awakening to realize this..all you need is a pen, paper and an open mind to dream as big as you can. Then surround yourself with positive people. There is no room for negativity in your dreams. A wise woman once said "is your life they way it is..because you are the way you are?" Life is what you make it.and just like a recipe if the first batch of cookies come out burnt and tasteless, go back to the drawing board change up your recipe and add a little more attention to detail for timing and wait patiently as your new life will unfold. i was in a constant state of making the worst cookies over and over...whether it was dating or schook or job situations...those cookies were old and tired. Trial and error is the key to life. Im the type of person that cant stand leaving any thing left for chance. I like to have everything figured out from A to Z. But as I grow and mature in this world..I have to cushion my life with room for chance. Life is not as cookie cutter as I would like for it to be..and that takes some getting used to but...when you finally come to a place of resting on that cushion of chance you find yourself doing things that you never thought you would ever in your wildest dreams do. All my life I've lived to make my family proud..I was the most happy when my family was proud of me...but it's just not enough for me anymore. Get good grades, go to college, get a good career, buy a house, etc. I so desperately wanted to know that my life meant something to my family..that my hard work has some how not all been in vain but that it has actually inspired people in some way...and to be honest I have the best people in my life. I Dont say it enough but I truly have the best people surrounding me. At times I find myself distancing myself from loved ones out of fear that I may fail them. But inspite of what I think or how I feel they continue to surprise me over and over. Looking back over the years, there have been countless times where my family and friends have been there for me and I truly appreciate them for that. I've always found myself running away from the idea of being rejected. Yet, not once have they done that to me. Now I may not always make the best decisions or follow the right path that they would like for me, but I truly believe that the power of love is the strongest bond of all. As I embark on this new journey I am finally ready to start living for me..I am so desperate for my own approval. So many times I needed validation and approval from others...and now I cannot live a life that I am not proud of. I just turned 30 and I honestly Dont know who I am. I know who I wanted to be. I had a picture of this person in my mind..I knew how she would talk what she would wear what she would think how she would handle situations...and now all I see is blankness and I'm terrified. Who am I?it is a scary feeling to look at yourself in the mirror everyday and not be able to recognize yourself..#amnesia. Age 29 was the closing of a chapter of the first half of my life. 30... there is so much unknown. At least the first half I had some cliff notes. Go to school, finish school, get a car, get a job, go back to school, buy a house, date someone, marry them. Super easy stuff. But when some of those things are left blank...then what? Then I thought is this enough for me? Am I satisfied with this existence? Does this checklist make me proud? Dont get me wrong...the last 7 1/2years of my life have been amazing... living in Georgia has been a great experience and I accomplished so much. I've bonded with some really great people. But I cannot deny the small voice inside that continued to get louder and louder everyday until it screamed "NOW WHAT!!!!" How can someone live an everyday life with a voice screaming that inside you? You can't. At some point whether you want to or not..you have to answer that voice. that voice doesn't care if your afraid... It just won't go away until you have responded. For so long I thought I had to have a plan in place before I could respond to my screaming inner voice...so I tried to ignore it in hopes that it would eventually disappear....and it never did. Actually the voice became impatient and annoyed with me. This voice and not having a single response put me in a realy dark place for a long time. The voice began affecting my relationships with family and friends.. I was always so defensive, my job.... everything. So eventually out of pure frustration I yelled back..." I DONT KNOW!!!" Once I responded it was like something in me exploded and not to get too spiritual but I totally understand the scripture "if a man lacks wisdom...all he has to do is ask and God will give it to him liberally" excuse the paraphrasing. Once I responded the voice immediately disappeared but I felt like a light bulb had gone off in my head...I felt like I had been released from pleasing others...from the mandatory to do list...can't explain it..I was open and ready for anything. Next thing you know I hear about teaching abroad and instinctively I knew...now I Dont know what the future will hold for me but I'm willing to let my faith guide me on this journey. It is kinda scary to write the story of my life as things unfold... It was so much easier when the pages were just fill in the blank... Insert highschool..insert college..insert job etc. I'm excited..buckle your seatbelt world...and get ready for take off!!!!
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